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Alcohol & Horoscope

Posted in Amusement | 29 comments



ARIES
Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don’t know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They’re sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become combative when very drunk, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you so long as you haven’t gone and done anything really horrible to them last night.

TAURUS
Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a nondrinker. A drunk Taurus will get, er, social (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI
Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much – they’re so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it’s just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to contradict an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and infuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round – repetition is boring — and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER
Cancer is a comfort drinker and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting. Cancers are brilliant at discovering secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get “tired and emotional” (read: weepy when lubricated). But there’s nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you’d be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO
Leo likes to drink and dance – they’re often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue. But Leo’s not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO
Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure – but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. Virgo’s controlled by the intellect, but there’s an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It’s dead sexy (and urprisingly unsloppy).

LIBRA
“I’m jusht a social drinker,” slurs Libra, “it’s jusht that I’m so damn social?” Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble — including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend’s beau or even blacking out the night’s events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO
Don’t ever tell Scorpios they’ve had enough, for they’ll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they’re hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool — though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they’re fascinating drinking pals and brilliant conversationalists. They also remember everything – especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS
In vino veritas. When buttered, they’ll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying. They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else — like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN
Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty — no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. But just like most rock stars, they’re either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS
Aquarius and drinking don’t go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they’re more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they’re throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they’re too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they’re usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with drunk strangers while sober.

PISCES
Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase “addictive personality” can be read two ways, you know.

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