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To Be With Bad or To Be With Good?
By Rudy (Best Friend cum Guest Blogger)
To Be with Good or To Be with Bad. Have we become emotional masochist? How many ladies have experienced the after effects of a Bad Boy?
I conducted a survey to get a general view of what the ladies thought. I sent out two questions to over 500 girls of all degrees of hotness and ages between 18 years to 28 years.
I have grouped the comments that are similar:
1) What is the definition of a Good Boy and Bad Boy to you?
Good Boy – religious, boring, geek, ethical, weak, thoughtful, rule-abiding, never cheats on you, your parent’s ideal man, ass-kisser, mostly not good looking, cute
Bad Boy – fun, really likes to break the rules, rugged, sexy, playboy, rough, bossy, someone who would leave you once he loses interest, someone who will go against what you say, someone who won’t call you all the time, spontaneous, flirty, independent, good looking, someone who cheats, open minded, he thinks about himself first, someone who takes you for granted
2) Why do you think women choose Bad boy over Good boys?
They are more fun and unpredictable, it’s a challenge to get his attention and to tame him, even though Bad boys may disrespect you they always tell the truth, you will know how worthwhile you are if a Bad boy stays with you because if you get stale they will leave you, they are more macho so gives you the sense of security, it’s human nature to want what we can’t have and Good boys are too easy to attain, parents will not approve so there is a rush, they aren’t pussies when chasing girls, he gives the impression that he knows what he wants. Good boys are too good to you.
When I saw the answers to the questions I can’t help but think that maybe we women are emotional masochist and we don’t even know it. An emotional masochist is someone who subconsciously finds gratification from pain, deprivation and degradation.
Think about it, from what age do we start thinking “Oh, I am so fat.” “Oh I am so ugly.” “I am not as cool as her”. Women constantly worry themselves with negative thoughts not knowing that in actuality they are feeding their vortex of insecurity. We are what we think and our choices would follow suit.
Why would someone use the guy’s interest in you as a means of your worth? Why would a woman choose a guy who is aloof and unavailable over the guy that is too nice? Why would you pick someone who is such a disrespectful person just to piss your parents off? Why are Bad Boys defined as types of guys who will leave you in a heart beat when he loses interest in you or that they are the types of guys who will always take you for granted but yet majority of Women would go for the Bad Boys because they are challenging and to be able to tame him would be? What? A validation for your self worth? Does the end justify the means? Realistically?
I think there is a difference between confidence and arrogance. Arrogance is a reaction of insecurity. If someone is confident they will not find any gratification in looking down at anyone, bullying someone or disrespecting someone. (I hope this distinction helps with your filtering process).
I used Bad Boy and Good Boy perceptions to show you that, sometimes you may think that you have awareness but the type of experiences you keep seeing yourself in, is a good indicator of your inner state. Your inner state is your compass. Therefore if your inner state is highly influenced by insecurity then that is the direction your compass will lead you, and you may not even realize it if you have been around or have been subjected to continuous negativity.
Do you think we have become emotional masochist without even realizing it?
He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened. – Lao Tzu
one should read about the Mr-Nice-Guy syndromme to understand more.
can’t restrain myself from smiling when i read on Rudy’s explaination of both categories.. i have to admit, bad boys are more attractive to my liking…
So.. are you a bad boy or a good boy, Dan???
I admit, I like me so bad boys when I was younger (boo yah!)
I guess age must be catching up with me when I now say I prefer the good ones, ‘cos after a while, you get tired of the bad boys of breaking your heart 
ZEWT – I just looked up Mr Nice Guy Syndrome…I will just say this…I think there is always room to grow…whether you are a nice guy, have a smoking problem, etc…
i am a bad bad boy… ha ha
Generalization overload.
*ack!* *gasp!* *passes out*
Jackie…your general comment leaves no specifics as to why you think this is general…elaborate please
hah!
I still like ‘em bad. That’s if I didn’t have to live with them la. Too much emotional baggage!
How about BAD guys who portray themselves as GOOD guys? *wink*
Giddy Tiger…at some point wouldn’t you find out? Coz the effects of a bad boy is not subtle…:)
Are you the Rudy from the radio station?
LOL…Cindy I hope you are joking…is there a radio DJ called Rudy?
Rudy Yes, there’s a DJ called Rudy, and he’s bloody annoying! Actually all radio DJs are! Anyway, back to the article…
LOL…then I probably am him…his alter ego
I like good girls who are just a little bit Bad.
BAD BOYS RULE !!
“He who knows himself is enlightened.†wasn’t that San Tzu?
Lucifer…actually..I knew this quote a long time ago as being said by Lao Tzu but since your brought up the question I looked it up…it’s weird I found these versions
“He Who Knows Others Is Wise. He Who Knows Himself Is Enlightened.” – Tao Te Ching
“He who knows others is wise; He who knows himself is enlightened”. -Lao Tzu
“Know thy self, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories.” – Sun Tzu
Maybe it’s a conspiracy…
i go agree with the emotional masochist… we always want the forebidden fruit. We always look for someone deep down we know will never work out because we hope to defy the norms and be pioneers in the ‘one of it’s kind’ relationsheps or be the tamer that succeeded in taming the lion – so we can tell all his ex gfs – IN UR FACE! or something…..
However it does overgeneralise men. Eg, I know a bad boy who volunteers at a children’s home over the weekends… and a geeky quiet guy who is into swinging… go figure!
i think all of us – guys and girls alike we have both tendencies – just depends which one we want to play up…
^__^
Cofferox…firstly, I would like to thank you for giving me the first specific comment…it is refreshing.
To clarify…this article was not about bad boys per se…I was using the responses of being with bad boy and good boy to delve into the human psyche on why there seem to be more bad than good. I used this survey to see how people would answer and by the answers alone it provided me an impression of the general mindset. But it’s just an impression, I wanted to know more.
I had this theory (based on also my experiences and talking to A LOT of people from all types of backgrounds and lifestyles) that people who have insecurities and don’t know how to manage them would go for the negative almost all the time, the most interesting part is that there is hardly any awareness of it…we know it as “it’s bad luck, or I don’t deserve any luck”. I don’t believe in luck I believe that the results of our lives and who we develop into is based on choice, albeit subconsciously or consciously. I was hoping to increase awareness to all men and women alike to look within themselves to see if they are making choices based on if it is good for them or bad for them. If we are suffering from emotional masochism and if we are aware of it, maybe survival instincts would kick in to think of how we can stop the cycle. Regret is probably the worst thing you can have hanging over your head.
Since this is a theory and I myself am not a Doctor I was hoping to start a discussion forum about this. Maybe I have seen too many people stuck in this state of going with the bad and not realizing it that maybe a discussion would bring some awareness…dunno…it was just an effort…
Maybe I have been watching too many rerun episodes of Frasier LOL
lol Rudy maybe San Tzu and Lao Tzu are relatives
okay, to some extent i believe yes, women have indeed become emotional masochist, without sometimes realizing it. but if you think about, even girls how have been hurt numerous times by them bad boys Still end up going back to bad boys. Why? the challenge? the ideal hope of possibly turning this bad boy into a better boy and hence be The reason he has changed?
thing is, why take the step of going out with a bad boy only to turn him into a good boy at the end? i mean, ultimately, most girls like how bad boys think, react and present themselves. however, ultimately, most girls still value important things such as being genuine, trust, communication, honesty and did i say trust? trust is probably one of the least likely traits bad boys would have.
i admit i was not the epitome of a good boy when i was young; however, as we go through life and its many shit holes, we learn (or at least we hope we do) to be better. after all, isn’t that what one would generally define as maturity?
i agree that for the most part, especially when young, girls go through a more difficult time than us guys. there’s all them hormones, then you start to grow breast, you’re trying to be accepted in some “cool” cliques, you become a fashion victim… i mean, the list is endless. in some way, it seems like girls feel they have to succumb to society’s accepted perceptions and values of what makes a girl say, attractive, smart or what say you.
but thing is, are those girls happy? is the person that they’re striving to be who they want to be? are they happy with who they’ve tried so hard to be? i doubt very much that they are. if you ask most of the girls who are now say 30 about their experiences when they were much younger, i’m quite certain you’ll get answers whereby, yes, they underwent peer pressure, the need to fit in and be accepted, but really, they were not happy.
it’s understandable that one’s teen years are a difficult period as acceptance becomes as very big part of one’s life, and being still very immature, most cannot see the irrelevance that such acceptance means when they are older. but you know what, is short, that’s life.
we all go through it. we’ve all had a sometimes rough time during our teenage years, so let’s be thankful we did not turn out as fucked up as we thought we’d be.
and for them girls who are emotionally masochistic as you say, heck if they deem that as being acceptable and it makes them happy then, let them go through it and learn, and hopefully they’ll mature from that experience
i don’t think that i am very attracted by bad boys.
there are sometimes goodlooking “bad boys” that i think: “uh sexy” but because of their look and not their attitude.
i wont start a relationship with them…
i like sexy good boys ahahaha .__.
okay, here it goes yet again. this would be my 2nd time leaving a comment for my dear friend, rudy as the first time i did it, it did not go through. hopefully i can remember what i wrote earlier.
i was just thinking, it’s funny girls like them bad boys, because at the end, they get hurt, and in the midst of the relationship, they put all their effort in trying to make this bad boy a good boy. so why then do girls even bother going through the step of being with a bad boy, only to end up with a good guy?
well, it’s simple. bad boys are fun, have lotsa spunk, and just live life a little more out of the box. yes, it makes things a lot more fun, but they lack most of all the important things people hold near: communication, sincerity, honesty, having a person who is genuine and true – basically the things that form any sort of lasting relationship.
about girls being emotional masochists…well, let’s look at what most teenagers go through then they’re young. apart from the obvious, being the increase in hormones, growing breasts, the increasing obsession with being the “right” size with right assets with the right fashion sense, having the “right” mentality, girls have it pretty rough, much more than men, i believe. being girls, they get teased by both girls and guys about anything under the sun: you’re fat, you dress weird, you act weird, you have no boobs, you speak funny, you wear your hair funny…. you know what i mean, it can pretty much be anything under the sun, because as teenagers that’s what we do.
fair or not, that’s just how it works. it would take an amazing girl to be able to withstand all that peer and societal pressure on what is deemed to be “acceptable.” it’s not right, in fact it’s so wrong, but it’s the reality of how it’s like in high school. at the same time, these girls are also figuring out who they are, battling issues with themselves, maybe even their parents and of course their emotional roller coaster with someone they fancy.
women today, i believe have become emotional masochists without realizing it to some degree, but if you look at this closely, some girls are as such willingly as well. how many girls have gone out with bad boys, knowing that them bastards will hurt them, or have hurt them, but yet stay with them? why? is it a willingness on their part as well? perhaps the hope they may influence this guy to make him better? regardless, girls should also trust themselves more to stand up for what they believe, what they hold true and of course i’m not saying you should change your man. but make him understand, make him listen (which i know can sometimes be difficult), and hopefully, he can be understanding and adjust accordingly.
having said all this, it is understandably difficult for girls to really find themselves, let alone accept themselves for who they are during a time when there’s so much happening around them, physically, emotionally and personally. it’s hard. and we as guys would never understand that, because… well, we’re guys!
bad boys has always been something i believe universally most firls can say thay they’ve gone through; it’s fun, exciting, full of life (and bitter disappointments), it’s true that it’s once heck of a ride. but what do you get in the end? an experience, be it good or bad, you get the experience.
i mean, to speak the manner we are doing so now is very different than before because we’ve come of age (at least i would like to think we have). we’ve gone through all that crap and miraculously come out alright, actually, wouldn’t you think so, rudy?
i’m not saying it was a great time we had in high school, but what’s important is that we’ve learned that what it was like in high is pretty close to nothing like what we envisioned our future would be.
this, of course would not make sense to your average teenager today, because they won’t get it. you can ask most of the girls our age now how it was like in high school way then, the peer pressure, the emotional ups and downs and they’ll agree that it’s nothing like how it is now. but, i suppose what we need to acknowledge is what we’ve learned, how we’ve grown and matured. i mean, that’s what it’s all about: learning from your experiences.
it is disheartening that some people value themselves on the manner in which they’re accepted or perceived by others, but yet it’s understandable as it is a difficult time when you’re say ,13 or 14. women have grown today to take on more dominant roles in companies, however, there has still been very little development on the mentality of society towards women in general. as such, how can we expect women to trust and believe their own worth and value? what you get is this: women who are emotional masochists because most of how they value themselves is how society (being mostly a male dominated view unfortunately) views and manages women.
but i suppose what’s important is what we learn from these life lessons. it’s not what these experiences speak about who you are, it’s about what you make of these experiences, wouldn’t you agree?
why allow these perceptions and/or experiences affect you? i’m not saying this out of defence for the male attitude because honestly, we men have a long way to go. yeah, we have them metrosexuals and now even technosexuals, but that has not helped the manner in which they think, which is what’s most important. but as i mentioned, we’ve a long, long way to go and this is true for all cultures, not only the asian culture although we have that much to work on compared to our western counterparts.
Brandon…your comment was brilliant and insightful…
What is “technomen”?
I mean “technosexuals”?
aww… thanks, rudy
technosexuals are a spin-off from metrosexuals (aka Beckham, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise,etc) and they’re more techy (sorry as i can’t think of a better word) but yet they’re into how they look but are totally stacked up with gadgets, from hp’s, mp3 players, b&o sound systems and the works 
You know I’m onto your scent
We’re near the end of the chase
Take a look out your window and I’ll be there in the night
Your love is so close that I can almost taste it
The icy cold will cut us like a knife in the dark
And we may lose everything in the wind
But the Northern Lights are burning
And they’re giving off sparks
I want to wrap myself around you like a winter skin
And I know that I’m gonna be like this forever
I’m never gonna be what I should
And you think that I’ll be bad for just a little while
But I know that I’ll be bad for good
I know that I’ll be bad for good
I know that I’ll be bad for good
– Jim Steinman
Hey Ruby…
to be perfectly honest, I have been single for the past 4 years… for the sole conscious reason of not falling into the emotional masochist cycle again… after awhile it gets really tiring…
Somwhere along all the comments above… I forgot which one, someone mentioned we unconsciously fall into it because we are insecure… or like I said, we want to be the lion tamer… we delusionalise ourselves to believe that the struggles in the relationship will only make it stronger… it was for this reason alone I stuck by a very disastrous relationship for more than a year.
jsut something to ponder in the midst of these discussion… Does God really make us that complicated or do we bring it on ourselves!?
^__^
Wombat..cute
Cofferox…I kept putting myself in disastrous relationships and I stayed single for about 3-4 years before my current boyfriend. In those 3-4 years I studied a lot to figure out why I kept ending up with negative results…there is this saying “If you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have always gotten…” I think this is why I wanted my first article to be this subject, to bring awareness…I want to see women standing strong and making proactive choices instead of being a result of a negative situation…
*hugs*
Developing into an emotional masochist is not nature…it’s nurture…God would not bring life with bad intention….it’s our environment…if we know the tools to manage our environment we can learn to overcome anything…happiness takes effort but the process is worthwhile
coffeerox: i think most of us have been in fairly disastrous and hurtful relationships, where we’ve always felt more like the victim than anything else. but it is during those times that we sometimes feel that love is not easy, and it all takes hard work, and being hurt and unappreciated and even unhappy is sometimes part and parcel of it. well, it’s not.
it’s true that love takes hard work, but being appreciated and happy should be one of the foundations of the relationship in the first place. so in that sense, i agree with rudy in that, the environment (as in what is deemed as “good” or acceptable to society), people around us, and experiences are the factors that shape a person, and in this regard, allowing the person to be an emotional masochist. it’s simple to blame god for this but really, take a short moment and think about your past, and we may find some sort of similarity in terms of experiences and thoughts & views that have played its part in shaping you and your current viewpoint.
rudy: kudos to you on this 1st article. i think it’s still a fairly winding road in terms of having women making proactive and positive choices about their lives, irregardless of a difficult situation or society’s perceptions. it’s about self belief and most importantly, self love – to acknowledge and respect one’s self, to realize that we can have better because we deserve better and to believe that we can make mistakes, but we learn from them because that’s what makes us human. it’s not about continuing the cycle of hurting one’s self. it’s about acceptance and as mentioned, ultimately, believing & loving yourself.
Rudy, i can’t help but smiled & giggled reading this article & the responses are overwhelming!
I think gurls have the tendencies and just can’t help but fall for bad boys inspite of numerous arguements, pain,buckets of tears. We’ve been good all these years + being with the good one.. why not try out something different? like coffeerox mentioned “out of the norm”. yeah yeah ppl wud ask, why waste ur time? whats in it for u after u’ve accomplished in taming him? why bother dealing with this petty stuffs?
Some do realized they are falling for one but the fun and challenges are way more interesting than being with a good guy. just know ur limits and not to fall too hard with the bad guy shud be fine, atleast for me.
I think bad boys lack self-esteem, he acts like a bad boy to conceal his lack of confidence. The irony. This bad boy thing is only an delusion of confidence, to ensure he never gets hurt, he hides behind sarcasm and unflattering remarks, uses them as defense mechanisms.
The fact is that women generally don’t want nice guys. Why? Because women act on impulse and emotion rather than fact.
so where do you fall in mr gomez? bad boy camp or good boy camp?
coffeerox I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might incriminate me