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Classification of Indians in Malaysia

Posted in Life | 31 comments



If you’re an Indian and easily offended, please go away and come again another day. Else, you could always write to Samy Vellu or his toupee to complain about this entry. Hahahaha!

Here are the 3 MAJOR Indian groups in Malaysia. Ready?

Classification of Indians in Malaysia

Classification of Indians in Malaysia

1) The REGULARs
Comprises a mere 7-10% of the total population of Indians in Malaysia. Found in well-developed parts of the cities spread throughout the peninsular. None have been found in Sabah & Sarawak as yet, cause usually they’d shift to the peninsular before they hit puberty.

Characteristics:
1. English as their 1st language.
2. Do not know how to (or just dont) speak their mother tongue.
3. Prefer to identify themselves by sub-group like malayalee, ceylonese, sikh, north indian etc.
4. Uses the internet more than the other 2 groups combined.
5. Swears off, criticises and ridicule those who watch tamil/hindi movies and/or dramas.
6. Instead, watches Travel & Living, MTV, AXN, Starworld and English sitcoms, and able to understand them with ease.
7. Thinks that the REGULAR group is way larger than it actually is and constantly makes fun of the other groups, in particular the MACHA group. (Why? Because it’s fun!)
8. Aspires to be a doctor. Those who do medicine will eventually do so at UK/Australia/Manipal, but will normally end up taking more than the required 5 years to complete the degree due to excessive failure.
9. Despises Samy Vellu.

Recent studies have shown that there is a growing splinter group within the REGULARs known as the IPWIC (Indian People With Identity Crisis). This growing sub-group is considered the elitist by some and is found to make the occasional statements like “I wish I were in the UK ” and/or “This never happened when I was studying in Australia “. They often speak in unidentifiable accents. The women/men of this group also prefer to date white men/women from foreign countries with the excuse that local men/women “just don’t understand me”. Many secretly desire to be taken away to live in a Bollywood film with a happily-ever-after ending.

2) The HIP-HOPPERs
The 2nd major group of Indians, the HIP-HOPPERS comprises about20-30% of the population of Indians. Normally living in urban areas of cities, the HIP-HOPPERS, as their name suggests, can never be found where they actually come from, but rather in clubs, bars, pubs etc. Many secretly desire to be like the REGULARS but just don’t make the cut. Try asking a hip-hopper if he/she’s a Regular, Hip-hopper or Macha. They’d say, “dei, I’m a Regular!”

Characteristics:
1. TRY to speak English as their 1st language.
2. Their actual 1st language is Tamil.
3. Openly desire to be blacks (waddap dawg?)
4. Usually tend to start they ‘english’ conversation with the word “DEI”
5. Hair not in original colour
6. Have unknown hand movements and slangs that are supposedly cool that supposedly go well together with their normal attire of FUBU jerseys and baggy jeans (that are more often than not bought in Petaling Street/ChowKit)
7. Are famously known to shorten their names to suit their lifestyles
ie. Sam, for Muthusamy
Amber for Ambikadevy
Van for Thevandran
8. Large quantities (almost all) found in Jalan Telawi of Bangsar (though, to be fair, many REGULAR groups are found here too, but the clothing tells them apart, you wont miss it.)
9. Love Yogi-B/Nachatra more than ChakraSonic.
10. Parents want them to be doctors. Many end up studying medicine in Russia/Ukraine because they refuse to go to India and cannot afford UK/Australia. Those who go to India may eventually switch camps to the MACHA group.
12. Despises Samy Vellu when they dont get study loans.

The HIP-HOPPERS major ‘claim to fame’ is driving out all the REGULARs (Malay, Chinese & Indian) and the white expatriates from Bangsar by large quantities, so much so that they can now call Bangsar “home”. Damansara & Hartamas are now like Zion for the Regulars.

3) The MACHA’s
The last and largest group of Indians in the country comes from the MACHA group. Probably the most famous group, it is so well known that most Malaysians think ALL Indians are from the MACHA group. Comprising nearly 70% of the Indian population in M’sia, the MACHAS can be found in urban parts of the cities, and also in estates.

Characteristics:
1. Speaks Tamil as their 1st language.
2. Usually think that Indians who cant speak Tamil should commit suicide.
3. Sees Tamil Nadu/Madras (India) as the most happening on earth.
4. Astro at home is hardwired to Astro Vaanavil and Sun TV.
5. Worship Kollywood films. The men openly desire to be like Vijayakanth.
6. A night-out will have to include a stop at any Indian shop in
Brickfields.
7. The shopping haven will have to be Jalan Masjid India.
8. Know all the Tamil songs by heart and has never heard of Hitz.FM or Fly FM.
9. For men, outfit is never complete without a gold chain.
10. Women prefer to spend their life-savings on gold jewelry and gaudy sarees.
11. Half of them aspire to be doctors; the other half, their parents want them to be doctors. 12. Most just drop-out of school and contribute to social-problem areas in the country.
13. Prefer ChakraSonic over Yogi-B/Nachatra
14. Loves Samy Vellu.
15. Klang is currently their HQ, though they operate independently in Sentul, Kajang and Sungai Petani.

There have been recent studies that Machas are best for work like being a bouncer, police and bodyguards. The rest are in jail.

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