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The Conveying of Condolences
“Have patience.” “Please pray.” “Be strong.” Although your intentions are magnanimous, there is a high risk of you appearing as being a callous wise-ass.
Just because you’re close to that person, in whatever way, it doesn’t mean that you have the right to tell the sufferer what to do! That’s just hogwash, because your thoughtlessness of saying those words will come off as being very superficial.
It’s a bloody unfitting way of offering condolences although some people may claim it’s subjective, it is certainly not, because it depicts you as an ignorant dimwit although your purposes are noble. Why do you state the obvious?
The Conveying of Condolences
Look, a person has just lost someone dear, and you want to give advice? Who made you God? Some of you claim that it’s the individual’s predisposition, but do you actually know their preferences? You obviously don’t, so it’s best to shut your gob without risking sounding like an soulless turd. Do not assume.
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~ Henri Nouwen, Out of Solitude
Condolences is best said through unexpressed words – a silent hug. Remember, you need to empathize not counsel. As for leaving messages of sympathy on social sites, just keep it simple, because if you try to use the words I mention above, for a sufferer who is vulnerably sensitive, you can easily come off as being flippant. Remember, a personal face-to-face delivery is not the same as otherwise – so please use your common sense.
I also noticed recently that someone created a fan page as in memory of the departed. I find that highly offensive and short-sighted as well. Again, I’m sure they believe that their intentions are noble, but I don’t think they really thought it through.
Think. Really think.
OMG is this because of something I wrote on FB? Haha, I do agree with what you are saying, but then most of the time in those situation we do feel the needs of saying something, as most of us would thought that is the right thing to do.
Yes we are not God, obviously not, because most of the time we dont know what to do or say and its just seems appropriate to say something that will make them feel better or stronger.
I’m not disagreeing with you, I’m just saying that when such situation happened, it became an instinct to say those words to them (specially in social site).
but if I were to be there with that person, YES a none verbal action is the best condolences, especially if you are very close to that someone.
A very great post, me likey
thank you for your thought
yeah i think so. Thanks for your thoughts. and i like this “Condolences is best said through unexpressed words – a silent hug.”
I know what you mean. A friend of mine passed away on Monday and I felt so helpless knowing any words of comfort I have would not be able to make her family feel any better. I could only hug them silently and let them grieve.
I absolutely hate people who opt not to be there for the grieving family, simply because they don’t know what to say. Sometimes a friend’s presence is all one needs in a moment of despair.
you are right. everytime i encounter this situation, i find myself having difficulty to get the right words to say…cos, it seems that no words can actually put the grieving heart at ease.
I remember a couple of years ago, a very close friend of mine lost her father. I picked up the phone immediately and I wanted to call her but I didn’t because I was lost for words. I was thinking, if I say ‘It’s okay. Your father now is in a good place and he doesn’t have to worry about the earthly problems, etc’ could I make things better? I don’t think so. So what I did, I went back to my hometown just to give her a hug, because I know, that’s all she needed.
my friend’s mother passed away.. but i didn’t call or sms her..i don’t know what to say.. i just attended the memorial in the church..and hug my friend… but sometimes words is a good comfort though.
its alot easier in person… but when its written or read in a comment its really hard to tell if its genuine or not when its written…
but i think the reader shld take it as genuine… I know most of us in that situation actually dont want to be told to be patient and to be strong..or to pray… so we wld take it the wrong way… although we shldnt take it the wrong way… especially if it is from someone we hardly know or dont even know…
… but if they start telling you how to pray or how to be strong …or how to be patient … or to take the helm of the house…. then my friend… you can tell them to go stick it up where the sun dont shine…
It is hard when someone we care or know goes… I know I have cried a lot when a close friend of my passed away. Even still something thinking about them makes me tear. I do miss them alot.
Daniel Chiam – You wrote something on FB? LOL. I didn’t notice. I know in situations you feel the need to say something and you think it’s the right thing to do, but you need to take a moment, and think a little longer. Remember, the receiver of the message is highly sensitive and could easily be upset. Would you still say it? You sure?
LaViaP The Geek – No problem. I feel you deserve some respect in that sense.
Aj – Cool.
sriyany – Yes, silent presence. That’s all that matters. More valuable than your words.
chegu carol – Exactly, nothing you will say will make it better. It could however, make it worse. So it’s best to be very diplomatic or really put yourself in his/her shoes.
Angel – Good thing you didn’t say those words, as it would’ve been very inappropriate. A hug is best. That’s why we don’t see condolence e-cards saying, “be strong” or “please pray” or “have patience”.
shirley aka beautiza – Words, especially during times of grief, can be very devastating towards the sufferer, because of his/her heightened sensitivity of emotional haywire. Just keep it simple if you have to, but if you feel that your words may sound like advice, stop.
Mo – Of course, in person, you can see sincerity. Online, you can’t, and if you keep getting messages of condolences, saying the same thing, it does nothing but further damage.
ladyviral – Yes, I cry every now and then whenever I think of my father. It’s now 23 years since his death, and the pain remains to this date, I just got a little tougher cloaking it, most of the time at least.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is stay silent right?
I always thought the best thing to do was either giving them the space to grieve. Hug them when you see them and that’s it..
Just my thought tho..
PS: Yeah, I noticed the fan page in FB. My first thought was WTH? Fan page of the dead?? It’s like celebrating their death….
I’ve been through this situation many times, be it one the departed’s family or being a relative or friend. I also would not like people to keep saying “You should do this, do that”… I would like if they just simply say “How are you doing man?”. Something like that.
i agree…
Saying condolences is all that I’ve been doing. I will be blank for comforting words and ask myself “Does saying condolences enough? Does it help anything?” I will be silent from then on… Now I know the right way, giving hug. Thank you for posting.
tekkaus – Yes.
cindy – Agreed. That fan page is a tad silly though.
ArMs – Spot on. Empathy is key.
josie – Thanks. I felt the need to say something and not be neutral about it because neutral suppresses our true feelings.
Avatar – No problem. We just have to be extra extra careful with our words, as the sufferer is facing a much much heightened sensitivity.
I get what you mean Dan, I really do. Its not about us doing what we think is right, its about them getting the right message. Honestly I seldom said anything to them, coz most of the time when people are sad, telling them what to do is the last thing they wanted to hear. Though I seldom attend any funeral or heard any news about any lost from my friends, I always prepare myself mentally for such situation on what to do. Yes silence is the best option so far =)